I Don't Want to Be a Mom - Irene Olmo - ★★★.½

AUTHOR & ILLUSTRATOR: Irene Olmo

TRANSLATOR: Kendra Boileau

GENRE: Graphic Memoir.

RATING: 3.5 stars.

In a Nutshell: A graphical memoir from the ‘other’ point of view – a woman who doesn’t wish to be a mom. Interesting content, though I expected it to be more compelling.

I am a mother to two lovely girls, being a parent by my choice and not by societal or cultural requirements, and I haven’t ever regretted it. But I have many close friends who have voluntarily decided not to have kids, for various reasons. I know how much familial flak they have faced over this “unnatural” choice. I picked this memoir to see if the criticism and the pressure is similar in European countries. Surprise, surprise! It is!

It seems tough for much of the general populace to accept that a woman is complete by herself. That she doesn’t need to become a mother to “fulfil her womanhood.” That a perfect marriage needn’t have children. There is a constant pressure, either societal or cultural, to have a child, especially once a woman is in a stable relationship and is old enough to have her “biological clock ticking away.’ This memoir depicts the mental stress of one such woman, who feels like the odd one out simply because she has no wish to rear children and everyone around her talks of no other topic.

Written in the first person perspective of author Irene Olmo, this graphic novel begins with her at age 6, doing everything little girls are supposed to do - loving her dolls and pretending they are her babies. This fascination with becoming a mom someday continues till middle school. But when one of her best friends becomes pregnant at age thirteen, and the homeroom teacher decides to have a debate over abortion in class, Irene is forced to open her eyes to the other half of the picture. This formative incident is the first in the step of many that makes her decide not to become a mother, ever. But does society allow a woman such a choice without judgemental remarks?

This bande dessinée was originally published in French in March 2020 under the title ‘Je ne veux pas être maman.’ This English language translation is due to be published in November 2023.

I liked how the author showed her growth, both literally over the years as well figuratively in her thinking. Her arguments, her frustration and her helplessness come out well. A woman not wanting motherhood – this is a voice we hardly ever heard about, so to see someone’s innermost honest thoughts over this topic is a novel experience.

I also loved how the author emphasised that she has no problem with other women opting for motherhood, and similarly, others should have no problem if she chooses to stay away from pregnancy and parenting, for whatever reasons. ‘To each, their own’ is a good policy for everyone to adopt.

The book also depicts the differences between the consequences of becoming parents on a man and a woman, personally and professionally. It also highlights how a woman might sometimes want to be a mother but can’t, and how probing personal enquiries about when she ‘plans to start a family’ can end up as a traumatising experience.

However, as is often the case in a memoir, the portrayal of the ‘truth’ is somewhat one-sided and extreme. I found it tough to accept that every single woman the author interacted with had only babies and motherhood in mind. Did no woman ever talk about career? Education? Boyfriends and husbands? Other friends? Office bosses and colleagues? The portrayal of the other women is mostly unidimensional and this brought down the realism of this memoir in my eyes. The text sometimes ends up doing exactly what it is so opposed to – judging others for their parenting choices, though the author makes amends for this at the end.

The book is strictly a personal narration and not a manifesto in favour of choosing a lifestyle without kids, so it has more of a coming-of-age feel than a serious discussion on the merits or demerits of choosing to have/not have kids.

Moreover, as it is a first person narrative, it focusses so heavily inward that it forgets to provide us some crucial outward details. For instance, she is in a steady relationship. So how did her boyfriend accept her decision? Was it mutual, or did he argue against the idea? Did it affect the harmony of their relationship? External influences play a varying role, depending on whether they come from your own family or your other half or from friends, or strangers. So her relationship definitely needed greater mention in this novel.

The conclusion of the book, containing the author’s suggestions for those like her, is the best part of this memoir, though most of the advice isn’t really unexpectedly mindblowing counsel but more of common-sense-based guidelines. Still, it has some practical instructions for those struggling with the same condemnation.

It’s a fact that condemning comments aren’t aimed only at women who don’t want to become mothers. Becoming a mother doesn’t stop society from passing judgemental remarks against you; it’s just that the nature of the barbs changes. All women face some or the other kind of shaming, and with time, we are forced to grow a thick skin for the sake of our own sanity. I wish the author had realised this sooner; it would have saved her a lot of stress. But I am glad she brings this point up in her conclusion, and highlights the importance of unanimity across women irrespective of their life choices.

The illustrations are quite good, though a bit too cutesy for such an emotional and serious topic.

Recommended to those who don’t want kids so that they may find some solidarity in the author’s thoughts, as well as to those who already have kids to see the grass from the other side of the fence and hopefully, tone down the ‘mothering’ demands.

My thanks to Graphic Mundi - PSU Press and Edelweiss+ for the DRC of “I Don't Want to Be a Mom”. This review is voluntary and contains my honest opinion about the book.