Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing - Matthew Perry

AUTHOR: Matthew Perry

GENRE: Memoir

RATING: 3 stars.

In a Nutshell: An exposition of the actor’s experiences with FRIENDS, lovers, and the ‘Big Terrible Thing’ – his battle with alcohol and drug addiction. Honest to point of being disconcerting. Dark and disturbing. Poorly edited.

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Editing to add:
28th October 2023: A dark day for FRIENDS fans. 😢💔
Rest in peace, Matthew. No more do you have to fight the demons that troubled you throughout your life. Thank you for all the laughs! I hope you can finally see from wherever you are right now how many people loved you. You will be missed.❤️

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#LongReviewAlert

“I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”

If you are a FRIENDS fan, you know who said the above line – Chandler Bing, known in real life as Matthew Perry. Chandler won millions of hearts with his bumbling portrayal of a man who stumbles his way through mishaps and breakups, until he meets the love of his life, Monica Geller. His biggest weapon is his sardonic sense of humour, often self-deprecating but also endearing.

All FRIENDS fans know that there is a lot of Matthew Perry in Chandler Bing, but just to what extent is revealed in this memoir. Imagine a Chandler without a Monica in his life – striving since childhood for his parents’ attention, successful in his career and yet unfulfilled in his personal life, going from woman to woman without a single meaningful relationship, joking his way around awkward situations, having friends in his life and yet not feeling enough or loved,... Add in substance and alcohol abuse, and what you get is Matthew Perry.

I have given up on celebrity memoirs long ago. But I knew I would read this for two main reasons:

1. For Chandler, for allowing me some of the happiest and the funniest and the most endearing moments on television. (Chandler was—and still is, even after this memoir—my favourite character on FRIENDS.)
2. For FRIENDS, the show I have watched umpteen times, and will still watch when I get a chance.

But there was a third reason too, albeit a relatively minor one. I wanted to know why such a talented and beloved TV star lost his way into the labyrinth of alcohol and drugs to such an extent. This factor gets the maximum focus in the book, and it is devastating to read.

The prologue begins right into the deep end of Pain (with a capitalised ‘P’) and pulls you within the intensity of Perry’s trauma without allowing you breathing space. Most of the memoir is disturbing, either because of the extent of Perry’s substance dependency and his myriad health scares, or because of his approach towards women, which seems to be that of a womaniser who is mostly blind to his flawed approach, calling it a need for love. (His attitude seems to be more 'philogynistic' than misogynistic. He loves women too much, and definitely not for the right reasons.)

The book doesn’t go chronologically. Perry goes back and forth a multitude of times, sometimes using almost a stream-of-consciousness approach towards spilling his feelings out. This works mostly against the book. It is tough to keep track of the timeline at times. But more importantly, this approach allows some repetitive content without the author’s seeming to have realised it.

(This lack of linearity is one reason why I feel the book wont work that well on audio, though it is narrated by Perry himself. Plus, I think his current slurred speech, a result of all that his body has battled over the years, will break my Chandler-loving heart.)

In many ways, this book is a typical celebrity memoir – the focus is on ‘I, me, myself.’ However, unlike almost all celebrity memoirs, there are no pretensions in this one, nothing on the lines of ‘I never considered myself talented/handsome’ or ‘I never expected to be so successful.’ Perry acknowledges that he is good-looking and rich without getting defensive or proud about it. His comfort with his attractiveness might rub some off as vanity. But hey, he IS attractive, and isn't fake-humble about it as so many celebs are. Shouldn't that be considered a plus point? He also mentions his wealth and his grand houses with amazing ocean/valley views a multitude of times. Rather than being put off by it, I was struck by the thought underlying his declarations – that even the best of material lifestyles hasn’t afforded him the happiest of lives. As he says, “I would give up all the money, all the fame, all the stuff, to live in a rent-controlled apartment—I’d trade being worried about money all the time to not have this disease, this addiction.”

In fact, this entire book comes off as too honest, which isn’t something I have ever said for any celeb memoir. I've heard of the phrase ‘no holds barred’, but this is the first time I've read a memoir that FELT that way. He doesn’t seem to spare anyone, including himself. He is not defensive but matter-of-fact about his mistakes, both in life choices and relationship choices. His sarcastic humour is quite visible, though the book isn’t ‘funny’ as a whole. There are some revelations I wish I had rather not known. I don’t think I’ll be able to watch FRIENDS the same way again because I’ll keep picturing the Perry behind the Bing.

Did he write this memoir as some kind of therapeutic venting? Or as a strong red signal to anyone on the same path of self-destruction? I have no idea. But one thing is for sure: it isn’t easy to read. Perry’s writing reveals how much his mind has struggled with the diseases of alcoholism and addiction. Just take a look at some of his thoughts:

“If I drop my game, my Chandler, and show you who I really am, you might notice me, but worse, you might notice me and leave me. And I can’t have that. I won’t survive that.”

“I was so often just a tourist in sobriety.”

“For a long time, I tried to find just about anything and anybody to blame for the mess I kept finding myself in.”

“You can consider what you’re about to read to be a message from the beyond, my beyond.”

Basically, keep the title in mind to know what you will get from the book: there’s info on FRIENDS, a lot more about his ‘Lovers’, and a whole lot more about the ‘Big Terrible Thing’ that has ruined his life. The content about Chandler and FRIENDS is quite limited, not more than a couple of chapters, so about 18-20% of the book. (Needless to say, these were my favourite sections from the book.) Of course, this wasn’t supposed to be a detailed look at FRIENDS or Chandler, but then, we FRIENDS fans can never have enough of the show.

This book also goes to show how important it is to treat our body well throughout our adulthood, not just past the age of forty. Perry’s youthful body had helped him as much as it could despite the way he kept abusing it. But there’s a limit to how much a body can take. When a man in his early fifties reveals how many surgeries he has had and needs to have, how many times he has narrowly escaped death, how his front teeth simply cracked and shattered, you will be horrified at how a person could do so much harm to himself and still be alive. If there is one huge advantage of the book, it would be to show those battling the same issues, the extent of the harm possible, and that they can overcome it, though the struggle for sobriety is going to be a lifelong one.

On an aside: The foreword by Lisa Kudrow is just okay. Some lines are good but it doesn't feel touching. The writing feels like she felt compelled to pen it. It’s also too short. I expected a lot more from talented Lisa.

Now for the major shortcomings:

💔 The book could have done with a huge round of editing; there’s a fair amount of repetition. In one chapter of the book, Perry acknowledges that he wasn’t called out by his movie team over his open hangovers and unprofessional behaviour simply because he was the star. I think history has repeated itself; either his editing team felt too awkward about pointing writing mistakes to their star, or they were simply too confident that celeb fans won’t bother about writing issues.

💔 The ‘Keanu’ controversy:

You might have heard that Perry wonders, in the book, why ‘Keanu Reeves still lives’.

Does Perry actually say this? Yes. Twice!

Is it meant to be a joke? So he says, but it doesn’t really come off as a joke. However, as anyone with a sense of humour knows, jokes sometimes sound funnier in our head than in actuality. Perry must have thought he was cracking a good one-liner, but it falls horribly flat. The blame for this goof lies not just on Perry’s shoulders but also to the team of editors for not pointing it out. I guess some people knew controversies bring in more eyeballs.

Perry has since apologised for the references, but it’s a bit too late. Such comments shouldn’t have been part of a published work in the first place.

(Update: April 2023: Perry has again apologised for the mention of Keanu Reeves, and admitted that it was a stupid thing to do. He has also confirmed that the reference will be omitted from future editions. Well, better late than never!)

On the whole, this book ends up in the “I liked it” category. It offered me some new insights into FRIENDS, which I never thought possible. It showed me how Sisyphean can it be to get rid of addictions. It also reassured me that celebs can be honest in their memoirs if they wish to. At the same time, a small part of me regrets this read. Gone is the Chandler Bing I adored, showing me the cracked (in both its meanings) Matthew Perry underneath. It is going to spoil some of my FRIENDS memories, and I am going to do my best to forget that part of this book. But one thing is for sure - as always, I will be rooting for Matthew Perry to stay clean and put this addiction behind him once and for all.

Some reviewers are bashing the book for the life choices made by Perry and his narcissistic and misogynistic comments. However, it is important to keep in mind while reading memoirs and autobiographies that we are reviewing the book and not the person. My review pertains to the book. If you have a problem with Perry the person, please go spew your hate somewhere else.